to laugh.. or not to laugh...

I like my sense of humor.

Sure ..it’s a little over-developed and all too easily triggered by the first passing pig in a wig .. but hey we aren’t all perfect. And when it comes to laughs, more is definitely less.

But even I’ve got to admit that it gets pretty puerile once in a while.

Typically… In moments when I can’t really afford it to be.

I’m sure you’ve had one of these moments .. when your boss/professor/person-in-authority-who’s-a-pain-in-the-ass is on one of those ballistic rants which you’re on the receiving end of… and suddenly something they say strikes you as the funniest thing ever .. for a reason known only to yourself (and your imaginary friends..if you had any) and you really, really want to burst out laughing that very moment… but can’t because its suicide of the bad kind ( i.e without the sweet release of death)

Well this is about one of those times.

Except it doesn’t involve my boss or professor or dad.

It involves.. this boy.. whom I can’t name..

So lets just call him.. Notch.

Now .. Notch … was nice .. in parts .. ( read – nice to parts of me )

And he was busy being nice to me one day .. and all was gloriously well.

Until he suddenly leaned close .. and whispered to me .. huskily…

…….. say my name…….

Where any Normal brain would’ve just said ‘oh notch! Oh yeah’ and so on and so forth..

I start to imagine

Hmm what’ll his face his look like if I said

ohh yeah venkatagopalanagasubramaniamlu ! give it to me baby ;)

consequently..I burst out laughing but immediately and prudently control it .. and so it ends up sounding like a choked gurgle..and before he looks up and suspects that I’m actually laughing at him.. I quickly improvise .. recall meg ryan’s amazing ‘faking it’ scene from harry met sally for inspiration .. and manage to blurt out a believable breathy ‘oh notch!’

Dear, sweet, clueless Notch smiles sexily at me and goes back to being nice.

Various thoughts ran thru my head .. such as...

1.Hurrah! …

2.that was close!

3.Hahahahahaha!

4.Oh yeahh notch..do that again

5.Is it normal to be so distracted think so much..while u're.. umm..u know..?

6.Omg! Hilarious!.. I so wanna tell [list of girlfriends] ! ..oh wait.. I’ll blog about it :D

Ergo. This blogpost. * insert smiley with a halo *

confessions of a confused insomniac

// another old favorite

3rd may 2007 5.12 am

It’s a beautiful midsummer night.
And like all things beautiful, it’s dying.

I look up at the sky ….and look about for the moon.
There it is! just behind the branches of that neem tree.
It’s a dull bronzed red now. That’s Interesting … and Very out of character. Especially considering that it was a happy golden milky round thing just half an hour back.
Hmm ..
I vaguely wonder if I’ve mistaken the sun for the moon.
Nah . Can’t be.
Its on the wrong side of the sky for one. Or Wait. Is it? ..

Okay. Maybe deciding to reverse my sleep cycle completely wasn’t such a good idea. Even the endless cups of coffee aren’t helping the disorientation.
But that’s not why I have the coffee anyways. At least not anymore.
The love affair with the coffee is a far more serious issue.. that one’s called Addiction.

My theory is that everyone’s a slave to Something if you think about it. For some people its Alcohol … Narcotics for some.. then there’s nicotine .. caffeine .. food ..love .. religion .. why even sex ..
Its part of the Great human weakness that you have to serve something ..be it good or bad … otherwise you’ll go mad...So it is the constant we all crave in our lives.
And the form I chose to give to it is a mug of espresso.
which brings us back to… how coffee isn’t working for me anymore .I’m thinking its time for me to move on.
Move onto what?
the love , food , alcohol and other options are either currently unavailable or inappropriate ..
and after not much deliberation I rummage about in the dark for the pack I’d stashed in my room. And my hands chance upon the small cardpaper box.

I take out a cigarette from it, light it and take a drag .. and watch as the tip glows eerily.
The smoke feels thick and vaguely warm going down my throat.. unlike the smooth , hot feel of coffee, I couldn’t help noticing.
And the nicotine goes up and lands a solid kick in my brain .. an odd feeling .. like a bunch of bright lights being turned on in the head .
Again, unlike the gradual, liquid kick coffee offers, like awareness washing over my entire thought process ..
Exhale slowly. And the image of the bronzed red moon shimmers hazily through the cloud of smoke... and suddenly I have this weird mental picture of smoke creeping up into my skull , winding its way into my mind , into my thoughts, melting and tweaking them , even singeing some of them.

I’m not sure I really like this .. this choice of addiction.
I glare at the glowing cigarette in my hand. Maybe it’s the insomnia making me hallucinate and I’m over-reacting. So I decide to give it another chance and take a few more drags … and the feeling of dissatisfaction only intensifies.
I glare at the cigarette harder.
I never really had a problem smoking before. What is it now?
I wonder..

The sky is lighting up slowly… tufts of pink-orange clouds float into the scene .. and in the mellow pre dawn light , I see it , a crushed coffee cup .. and I look at the half-burnt cigarette in my hand .. both of them reminders of my pathetic self-control. Reminders of how weak and dependant I was. And I knew I couldn’t do it anymore .. I realize I’m getting sick of this. This lack of control and self-respect .. the way some ground beans and rolled up tobacco can take control of your life and make you dance to its every beck and call. I see the huge unsaid catch in my theory of addiction.. the catch is that if I’ll go slightly mad without something to serve , I’ll go stark, raving mad because of what I’m serving too. I’ll want, no, Need to be in the throes of the addiction all the time. And if I’m not , the pain of withdrawal will eat at me till I eventually give up any pretence of resistance and crawl back into that place. That sad sad place.

And what I have to do is suddenly very clear to me.

I hurriedly stub the half-burnt cigarette out. Glowing bits of ash fall , jump about and get swept away by a gentle breeze before they die out.

I get up and walk away..

…to the coffee machine.

Who was I kidding ….

Voices in the Head

// jus to inaugurate... here's an old but favorite entry of mine

// dedicated to all my boys .. luv y'all .. Really ;)




15th september, 07

since i'm supposed to be holed up in my room studying...i've spent the past few days revisiting every one of my semi-hobbies .. and have atlast whittled down to... Writing

so i'm gonna write ... about you ask? ..well .. just stuff ...

nothing significant... come to think of it .. nothing i write is specifically significant... significant to me who is the central and dramatic protagonist in the great tragedy/comedy of my own life .. but noone else ...so to speak..

so why do we write? out of an innate need to vent? show off? please ones ego? ..all three?

a written word is not a conversation or an argument .. where one can oppose us .. or prove us wrong.. in that i suppose writing is sort of an indulgence .. of the big fat triple-tiered frosting-covered chocolate cake kind...

alright .. so we write self appeasing diary entries.. why write stories at all? .. go to all the pain of making up situations ..characters.. plots.. subplots ..and all that fuss ..for what?

so that we can say things that we cant say.. or atleast dont want to say ..

------its not a personal opinion you see.. its just what the character dictated i write --------

thats escapism ... writer's weakness..

and for me ..its a slightly different deal ... i write to give voice to few of the voices in my head ..
yep .. i said voices .. voices belonging to people .. with distinct personalities .. no distinct names though .. havent taken that final step towards insanity ..

right.. so these voices .. they each think that they deserve to run my life.. their life.. our life.. bleargh .. alright .. this life .. according their whims and fancies ... and quite predictably .. disagree on how thats done quite often...

from the men i like .. to the clothes i wear ( Not in order of importance) ..and if at all i make a decision about anything.. its cuz i was lucky enough to have a majority vote ...of course majority vote means only the decisions.. the day-to-day affairs are still torn and rent with confusion and arguments that stretch from here to atlanta ………...its i-like-him today .. and ohmygodwatwasithinking tommorrow... and 'aww he's not so bad' the next day ..and 'why're you in a pity relationship you moron' the next... and so on for a few weeks.. until I ( I being the sane stolid ...alright alright .. the somewhat reflective and trying to be responsible central self) decide to have some backbone and put an end to this farce..

-- move to flashback scene in the distant past when i still dated--

Me1 : thatsiti'mbreakingup...thereheisi'mgonnatellhim

Me2 : oh oh oh wait ... he's got something shiny in his hand...

Me3 : [insert male name] (cuz i dont wanna get sued/beaten up by goondas sent by above-implied ex-boyfriend), tell me that's not a swarovski pendant ..

BOY : *deep male voice laughs* It is my dear [sugary sweet endearment] ! :D (Me1: urghh i cant stand those and he uses em ALL the time)...

Me3: but .. but..

Me1 : oh shuttup you idiot .. take the damn box and kiss his silly mouth shut before he starts honeybun-ing sweetheart-ing all over again

Me3 : but ... i dont even Like him!!

Me1 : That dint stop you from kissing him before!

Me3 : I meant the pendant! Not the kissing!

Me2 : oh .. ok .. right

Me1 : eitherways… So?

Me2 : Actually.. yea..... your point being?

Me3 : its not fair!

Me1 : Since when are you Fair?!! Anyways ..what he doesnt know cant hurt him.. 'honey' ...

Me3 : oh shutup

Me2 : listen.. you're still the girlfriend right? .. you dint cheat on him or anything did you ..? .. how does it matter if deep down you dont like him a little(ermm.. hehERMM) bit?.. and You! .. shut UP for a while alright?

Me1 : okay.. okayy ... relax you madwoman...

Me3 : uhm...well in that case...

BOY : uh sesh , [insert endearment] (eww!) (oi ..be nice!),... are you alright honey, my [grosser endearment] (EWW!) (EWW! i agree! who Says that anymore?!!..eww..eww)... ?..you look distracted..

Me3 : oh.. its nothing .. i'm ..fine.. jus a lil headache thats all.. that pendant is Adorable ..you really shouldnt have ... i cant accept..

Me1 : damnitwoman...Thats not your line!!

Me3 : i kno i'm sorry .. kinda slipped out ..

BOY: what rubbish sesh! .. its yours. period...Now.. where were we ....

*ehmm.. snogging ensues*

--- end of flashback---

so this is the big secret ... the secret of why i cant have a relationship with anyone ... there's always someone (in me) who hates him..or detests him ..or is repulsed by the way he eats his eggs ... or..you get the picture..

so if any of my men happen to read this ... this is the point where they go ... Oh..Thats why she acts so crazy all the time!..if they havent already figured out that is .. and being men... well...